Half and Half

I walked towards the gate of Sunny’s new school this morning, behind the bars was an enclosed area for children to sit. My eyes found four children in wheelchairs. One little boy dangled bare feet from his chair, while another had his eyes closed and dribbled quietly in the corner of the school yard.

I gulped, took a breath, this is now where my boy ‘belongs.’ I had a revelation in that moment, in the moment I shut the gate behind me. The severity of Sunny’s disability is worse than I thought. I heard a conversation in my head replay itself. “He can’t go to the local school, it doesn’t accommodate for his needs-this school will be a better match.”

I felt my eyes prick with tears and my heart cracked just a little bit more. I cleared my throat and saw a teacher, introduced myself and felt my chin quiver. I could barely speak, “This is Sunny and it’s his first day here.” The warm, smiling face directed us to his classroom. I felt his hand touch mine, as he became scared, a child was walking towards us screaming, another was wearing ear phones to keep the noise of the world out. I try to still the noise in my head. “Hold it together Hannah. Hold.It.Together.”

I slide the glass door open to find his teacher calming more crying children in the classroom. I hung up Sunny’s bag, pulled diapers out and placed them on his desk and then put his lunch in the fridge. I stood wide-eyed and looking around, doing my best to ooze positivity. A short amount of time passes and I knew it was inevitable, I must leave for the day.

I found my car, placed keys in the ignition and turned it on. I can’t hold it in, I break, sob silently.

I feel plain sad.

My grief caught me and took my breath away. I actually tried to stop the tears, as it was the first day that I was actually wearing make up, and of course it was now down my cheeks. “Typical”  I think to myself- my sense of humour stops me from weeping for a moment.

Ever had an expectation that never quite came off?

Before Sunny was born, I thought he’d be ‘normal and healthy.’ The reality is, he’s six, wears diapers full-time, can’t have a proper conversation with me, has melt downs constantly in public where I would like to tell people to “Please stop staring as we are not a circus” and my life, my family’s life is strained daily.

Would I change him, not for one second, can I be human and have a real moment? Absolutely!

Can you relate?

Ever had a picture in your head, of what the future would look like and it’s very different to the reality that you’re living in today?

Marriage, that man who you promised forever to has crushed your heart, robbed you of the dreams you carried as you walked down the aisle towards him. You remember you were smiling big, filled with passion and excitement for life and your future together.  Yet, here you are today, in your quiet thoughts which are filled with disappointment and hurt for the way it’s all worked out. You nurse the daily feeling of abandonment which has destroyed your worth. You find yourself laying in bed at night, alone and isolated blinking into darkness as you stare at the ceiling trying to figure out just went wrong.

The job, that was going to satisfy your thirst, actually keeps you wanting for more, as you can’t believe that this is actually it-the hard work, you’re at the top, yet there’s a desire, a pining for something greater.

The house, the clothes, the money, the figure, the botox, the boat, the babies,the whatever it is, still requires you to ask the question “Is this it?”

There’s  a hole, it’s empty and begging to be filled, you scramble, I scramble, What can fill it? Who can fill it? How much does it cost to fill it?

Where can I find that deep peace and have it living in me regardless of circumstance and situation?

I emailed a friend this week, told her that when I’m living with my cup half empty, then my peace is stolen, I become overwhelmed, use words that sting, sigh a lot, roll my eyes and see the world as all too hard. So what I’ve learnt, is my cup half empty, actually equates to me not centring myself on God. I forget that he can steady my shaking world, calm my soul when its wild like the ocean and fill the hole which makes me whole.

When my eyes are up, then life can throw whatever it likes at me. My scrambling for something more ceases, and I find my heart is strengthened. My situation that seems hopeless has hope and I can smile with certainty at my future.

sunny pouring

So this week, this month, this year, is to keep my cup half full and never half empty, because God only intends for us to live life to its fullest which actually doesn’t create a cup half full at all, it actually makes our cup over flowing and brimming and that’s the type of life I desire.

Do you?

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5 thoughts on “Half and Half

  1. My heart aches for you and the helplessness you have felt. God still has a good plan for that little man and for gifting him to your family. He is sure growing! Miss him.

  2. Not sure why I missed this post. It broke my heart too. I would have cried with you. Hannah your boy has so much too give. He will teach us how to live. There is a much greater plan for him and how blessed is that school to have him. Better days ahead.

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