The helpless moment tugged at my mother’s heart, stirring intense emotion within. The second you realise that Sunny (my Intellectually Disabled son-for those of you new to our community) looked around at his peers, and for the first time had a veil taken off his eyes to realise that he is…different. Not quite the same, behind and not able to keep up.
That has been the journey I’ve been on these past few weeks. Almost every time I’ve changed his soiled diaper, he reminds me, as he lays sprawled out, that he is “Not a baby.”
“No you’re not mate, you’re a big boy.” I hear myself say. He will normally finish the simple conversation, by telling me that I am beautiful.
What I hear him saying, but just hasn’t got the ability to do so, is Thank you Mom for changing me, because I sorta get that other kids my height wear big boy underwear and I do not. He is embarrassed that he wears diapers as a six years old.
So here I was, at the school where my children attend, and the Kindergarter’s begin spilling out from backstage to do their performance. Eager mothers take photos and nudge one another in pure delight, as their little darlings are dressed up as cats and have begun skipping to the beat of the music. Sunny came out and my mammas heart burst with pride, wishing those in Canada who traveled so closely with us, could see just how much he’s progressed in seven months.
He sees me and waves, while smiling big. He remembers the first few moves, but all of a sudden stops, paralyzed by fear and was unable to communicate to his dance partner that he’s forgotten the pre-rehearsed moves. He looks around dismayed and fear filled and is unable to follow the simple promptings by the other children. He looked completely overwhelmed and ashamed which split my heart in two.
He tries to continue, but ends up looking down embarrassed and begins to silently weep. He uses his thumb and index finger to wipe away tears which splash onto his flushed cheeks. He is so upset that he needs to shut the world out, and does so, by putting his face in hands and stands there while the others keep skipping and twirling around.
The world kept going, but his fear stopped him from moving forward.
Can you relate?
He was heartbroken, confused and had no way of articulating or communicating what was going on in his mind. Teachers ran on stage to comfort him. Other mothers around me wept.
It was a dreadful situation.
I had insight as his mom to what I was seeing. He knew for the first time in his life, that he didn’t quite belong. I just knew it in my heart of hearts.
He had a moment which we’ve all faced, when we’ve been somewhere, at some point, and we have walked away from the situation feeling completely deflated and inadequate, as we felt like we were not quite.good.enough.
Didn’t have the same amount of money as those in the social circles that were blessed by your company,
Didn’t ‘wear the right clothes’ as the other ladies and felt uncomfortable,
Didn’t feel like you were quite as beautiful as the other girls who posed for the photo to flash on facebook,
Didn’t keep up with the conversation that had taken place over coffee, and your quiet thoughts told you that your weren’t intelligent enough.
Not good enough. Not good enough. Not good enough.
How many times do we undervalue our womanhood because we believe that harsh lie?
We’ve place unrealistic expectations on ourselves to maintain a certain image, shortcutting the actual woman God has made us to be.
We’ve chased ‘things’ that we have believed will make us fulfilled, which subtly breaks a little piece off our heart each time.
That’s because we are looking into a broken mirror. A mirror shaped by culture which tells us we are never enough which in turn reflects a broken image which we have chosen to accept.
You, I, we, have sold ourselves short and damaged our self-esteem along the way as we’ve swallowed the lie, the pill which says we are not enough because we don’t have…
This forms feelings of unworthiness, which can imprison us to lies deflating our worth. This breaks the Father’s heart, as He built us, you, with a particular purpose, fashioned us uniquely and with great intention.
Are we not insulting His handcraftsmanship when we live in a place of discontentment and strive to be someone we are not meant to be?
There is only one you and YOU should not be ashamed of the curves of your body, the freckles on your face, the wrinkles that dignify you, the colour of your skin, the type of sweaters that keep you warm, the car that you drive, the house where you live, the gifts that have been entrusted to You, for He, the Maker, has given them to you to use for His glory.
Friends, never ever, play the comparison game, the game that poisons our soul and keeps us on a journey which will destroy our heart and joy.
For You are one of a kind and the world needs you to be…YOU.
Bless you Servant Girls and know that I pray for you. I feel honored and privileged that you are here with me on the road, which leads home.
You ARE Beautiful.