Back Equals Forward

It was a normal Wednesday morning. I was packing lunches, getting my three children breakfast and finishing the tasks needed to race out the door. I was trying to ignore a nagging feeling, a thought that wouldn’t disappear. It just ate away at me.
I off load two out of three kids to school and start to drive to my destination. “Dang it” I say out aloud-a great Canadian saying I just can’t let go of.

I turn the car around and head for her my girlfriends home. She was on my heart and I know God gives us Servant Girls intuition for a reason. She had recently entered into a new relationship with the guy who smiled warmly at the local coffee shop. I had struck up conversations with him each time I bought a coffee and thought he was great. His smile hid a raging temper unbeknownst to me at the time.

I had seen signs of it once my girlfriend had started dating him and confronted her gently. She loved her new romance and there was not a willingness to finish her new relationship-even though she had confessed to me that Domestic Violence was taking place.

I step on the gas and make my way to her home, heart pounding and a feeling of protectiveness that became overwhelming turning to anger.

I turn into her driveway and run to her door when I’m stopped in my tracks. Big, black boot marks were on her door where he had tried to kick it in the night before. I bang on her door-No Answer. “Wrong Friend to mess with buddy” I think to myself. I talk myself down as I jump back in the car. I knew the area of where he lived and I was going right there to sort him out. Adrenalin pumped and I found his residence.

Days pass after me appearing on his doorstep unannounced. We see each other again and I apologise first for my behaviour from the previous Wednesday as I was not grace filled by any means. Silence falls between us and his eyes well with tears. He begins speaking slowly, shame shaping the expression on his face. He begins to offload providing me insight into his life and the reasons why things got out of control. Why he had ended up in the place he now found himself.

Some time has passed since then, and I’m pleased to say that he has shown huge signs of bravery by taking every step possible in finding internal peace and resolution. He has gone back in order to go forward. He has faced that hardest, darkest place that propelled him into behaviours that he didn’t like about himself and I admire any person who does that.

Is there a behaviour in your life causing you to act in ways you don’t understand or like?

Do you need to go back in order to move forward?

Owning our story and working through all it’s chapters is essential for our self understanding, self-worth and for the person we want to be in the future.

A lecturer once said to me when I was studying Welfare-“You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge.”

Your mistakes do not define who you are, but your courage in facing them does.


It’s an act of bravery going to the places in our character that taints and blemishes our relationship with Christ. Yet He is the place where you will encounter change and personal growth.

He will provide you with a strength that is supernatural so you can overcome,

He is the place where your distorted image can get clarity,

He is the shelter who will keep you protected during your storm,

He is one who will never forsake or abandon you- when the world does.

For you are delighted in, cherished and desired. You are wanted, needed, loved and a new creation in Him. You have self-worth, intelligence and are an original design. Not duplicated but hand-made for a Heavenly purpose.

We all have areas of imperfection, but when we engage life knowing our worthiness in Christ, then we can harness self compassion, courage and a sense of deep belonging. We understand that we are not just good, but we are enough.

And when we understand that we are enough, then we can walk into life with a sense of purpose, identifying that we all have sinned and fallen short of God’s glory. Yet He offers fresh grace which just might be the thing You need to offer your self today.



One thought on “Back Equals Forward

  1. Hi Hannah

    Loved your words, you are so gifted and I thank you for your inspirational writings. Mary B.

    Sent from my iPad >

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