I hold him close as I lay on the hospital bed, we are wheeled down to the operating theatre. I find words of comfort and whisper them into his ear. We pass a set of doors, behind them is the room where he was birthed, where air was sucked into his young lungs and life began. It only felt like yesterday that my belly was swollen and the pain gripping as he made his way into the world.
We enter a room where eight professionals meet us, a few men stand around a computer looking at Sunny’s X Rays. I smile at the Orthopaedic Surgeon who flashes a grin back. I lay next to my boy, dressed in a gown with a head covering, while he holds me tight.
I assist the Anaesthetist by placing a pink mask over Sunny’s five year old face. He’s anxious and makes that known by telling the unfamiliar faces that they “Should go home. Go away.” He’s says it firmly with a finger pointing. By this stage I can’t help myself, I start laughing at his audacity. Others in the room take no offense and go along with it…it’s been a long twenty four hours and I apologise for my little guy, no more.
There are bright lights, beeping machines and me, his mama, quietly singing “Jesus Loves Me.” It only takes one time to sing the old hymn through when his body lays limp in my arms and his eyes shut, closed to the outside world, to the pain that was ever so present.
Have you had those moments where you want to close your eyes to the outside world to shut the pain off?
A moment in time was encountered where you felt like your spirit snapped, broke in two and what is left is a shell going through the day to day motions.
The dreams that once excited you, got you out of your bed on a morning are shattered, broken and lay in pieces. They are waiting to be repaired but you just can’t quite make yourself perform the surgery required to bring them back to life.
You live defeated with no expectation that life will or can be enjoyed again.
There is a sting as you see other people living wholeheartedly, smiling authentically at whatever life presents them.
It takes courage to rewind the past and enter into it.
To dig deep and find the root where your pain began.
Where it was birthed and the reasons why.
Isn’t blaming another person a little easier?
They were the ones that had the affair,
Who spoke poorly of you in the first place,
Who were dishonest, two faced,
Who didn’t see your best,
Who hurt you first.
So there you are, protecting yourself by playing the blame game and rationalising your behaviour.
Yet you’re the one who is being eaten up inside.
Your heart slowly erodes and your sense of belonging in this world seems to shrivel.
The hurt that has cut your heart, split it in two, breeds anger, rage, malice, sadness and fear.
And fear is the driving force that prevents you from truly living.
Fear of being hurt again, shunned or not meeting the expectations that have been placed on you by others.
“Will another wound me?” You ask yourself.
So you live shallow, or with barriers, fighting to reveal the actual need for belonging and acceptance.
The need for deep connection and relationship being neglected as it’s all too painful.
Hurt shapes you, molding your future as you live in the past tense instead of the present.
Can you go there?
To the place that has stolen so much of you already?
It’s risky but worth it.
When you are willing to move through your difficulties, acknowledge your mistakes and discard criticism then know that is the very place where you will find yourself.
Don’t allow another to rob you anymore.
Your life is far too valuable and meaningful for that.
Be fulfilled by being the person God has created you to be.
“The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth.”