“I’ve got it God.” My dialogue was quiet as I whispered angrily. I had previously had a Skype conversation with a dear friend looking to her for answers. My words seasoned with dissatisfaction with a situation that was calling me to be bold and courageous. I felt weary as I tried to fight the battle.
I found myself wedged between ungratefulness and fear. The place which paralyzes and the enemy snickers with delight.
The Skype conversation finished and I turned to my email where I write six words to my mama across the ocean…”What am I going to do?”
Wisdom is very important when tough decision need to made, the Proverbs speak clearly about this. “Listen as wisdom calls out! Hear as understanding raises her voice. She stands on the hilltop and at the crossroads.” Proverbs 8:1
Seeking counsel from those who have proven their Godly character is like finding gold and valuable rubies. It’s needed as a guide when your ship is seeking direction or off course.
This however was me digging in a place where I was looking for validation in an area where God needed to whisper. My faith muscle weak, limp as I tried to flex. Discontent started to breed and I found myself out of sorts as I interacted with the King of the Universe.
I had taken my eyes of the Heavens and placed them on earthly ways. On self and my capacity to handle the burden that weighed heavily on my shoulders.
Aren’t I sufficient enough to grasp and fulfill the need I currently saw?
Surely I can handle this on my own.
I was surprised and irritated when the peace I was so desperately seeking wasn’t dwelling deep within. I continued to scurry, moving from thought to thought looking for a place of contentment which never came.
I started finding solutions which didn’t sit right. The stirring whirled, the Holy Spirit trying to guide. I ignored Him and pushed through the feeling with my agenda.
I had been in a previous position twelve months prior and God didn’t answer the way I desired Him to. My heart was for Christ to lean in and provide an immediate resolution in a way that I deemed appropriate. Instead He allowed it to continue for a couple of months and used it to build my character. Refining which hurt and caused me to yell out in frustration and a lack of understanding. “If you are the God of the earth then why won’t you just provide a solution in a way that I want you to?”
I gave into short sightedness and forgot to number my blessings which flowed in ways that my eyes weren’t willing to see. Like a child I fought and threw temper tantrums wanting the escape route to open up with ease.
Obviously I am a slow learner as when the same complication potentially reared itself I shut down and functioned in my own strength.
The Pastor I call Husband saw his wife struggling. He reminded me that God is more worried about my character than my comfort. That in the tight squeezes God refines and purifies discarding the impurities. He cleans and wipes away the chaff allowing the heart to shine brightly. Renewed and stronger.
I know that God provides a supernatural peace and I must let go and let God…
It comes down to choice. Do I keep my heart closed, robbing myself of seeing His goodness or open it up an marinate in His sovereignty? Understanding that He pursues me with His love and the right intentions.
I move from letting God know that I can handle the situation and “No Thank you, I don’t need your help as last time you didn’t answer the way I wanted” to I have no other place to go except back into arms of mercy and grace. Heart filled with thanks and an excited anticipation that God wants the best for me even if it turns out differently to what I initially expected.
Can you relate? Have you been in the same place where handing control over to God fully is tough and requires you to use faith muscles that may need strengthening?
The place where your soul sings ‘All is well’ even if things turn out differently.
So I close friends with saying, God is good ALL of the time. Release the grip as closed hands aren’t open to receiving gifts in the way He wants to give.