“He was in pain and not able to tell me.” The Pastor I call Husband looked pensive as we drove in the chilli Spring morning.
The night before the old farm house had battled out the afternoon run. Hungry tummies needed to be filled, dinner cooked, baths had to wash off brown earth clinging to hands and feet.
The phone rang, my husband sat on the patio connecting with his mama living across the ocean. I had baby on hip, stirring warm liquid bubbling away on the stove whilst trying to calm my agitated son who closed eyes and screamed unending.
When he’s in that state, I know the only thing to do is sit silently and hold his little body in my mamas arms. His lack of understanding emotion and communicating his needs hinder the process of him returning to a state of calm.
The clock continued to tick. My seven month begun to join the choir of noise. She too unhappy. Back to making dinner when I realised the time. I needed to leave our home in 5 minutes to meet my weekly Wednesday commitment. I sigh…
I interrupt The Pastor I call Husband and tell him I need to go and I’m not dressed yet.
As we drove the next morning he told me he had no way of calming Sunny once I left. He eventually realised that he was in pain. He had cried almost all afternoon and I had no idea why. My heart sank when I realised.
The correlation magnified itself.
How many of us sit in pain crying loudly through inappropriate behaviour yet not verbalising its real meaning?
The ache of the past sits heavily in our heart. Our souls cluttered and darkened which have ripped us apart. Split our world in two.
We stand and continue to walk yet our limp hinders us. We nurture the injury the best way we can, but true healing doesn’t come.
We stammer and lose balance time after time.
It rears itself when you hear harsh words roll off your tongue. The situation escalates. Your temper boils, climaxing, an object is thrown across the room. It smashes, you realise your hands were responsible. You’ve hurt yourself and another again… You fall to the floor in a pool of tears.
The seat of self righteousness paralyzes your judgement of others. Your warped perception damning your character, yet you don’t even realise. The blind spot creates a small lonely world as people shy away in fear. You wonder why you’re isolated and alone.
The bottle hidden in the cupboard is searched for. Guilt slips into your being as you unscrew the bottle cap but the pain more overwhelming-it wins.
You long for a release, an escapade in the form of hard liquid. Your world dims yet the pain is felt no more. You wake to sobriety knowing your caught in a vicious cycle.
A throb is beating through your body hurting yourself and those around you.
Where can you turn when every turn has been a dead end?
Healing can only be complete when you expose it, otherwise it goes hiding in darkness.
Surfacing hurt is an art of acknowledging truth. You may not have wanted something to happen but it did.
When you reach out for help to your Father in Heaven he leans in and scoops you up.
The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed spirit.” Psalm 34:18
In His gentleness and perfect love He leans in and wraps strong arms around Servant Girls. He sees You and binds up your wounds. Psalm 147:3
David understood when he wrote “My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” Psalm 73:26
My prayer as I write this is…That you child of the King, dig deep to find courage that propels you into a place of healing. That eternal love overwhelms your circumstance and you marinate in His grace. Whatever has caused you to stammer know that you have the opportunity to grab hold of your future and walk with boldness into your ordained days-Its a choice.
“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.” Love Jesus.