My Next Step…

Its been a week since the beginning of the end…

I question myself for the grief that I’m still feeling. It’s catching me off guard & intensifies at times. I feel the knot in my stomach tighten when I see reminders of the little life that grew within. I hear the Pastor I call Husband say “There is no time limit on our loss and we need to feel the pain.” I smile weakly at his permission. I thought I needed to continue to wear my ‘brave mask.’ I suck in the air and fight tears that prick my eyes. I hit the pavement running, allowing my emotion to escape when it dawns on me…Grief comes in so many ways and people are struggling with it constantly. It’s a daily journey leaving holes in hearts and their world discolored.

 It grips and creates anguish from the loss experienced.

Loss…It’s felt when loved ones are terminally ill and all medical treatment has been exhausted…it’s now a waiting game.

The woman who lives in hope month by month that the pregnancy stick will test positive…it doesn’t. The dream of growing a life within diminishes as time passes.

The marriage that is hostile and cold is a daily reminder of what could be. Two hearts have to be willing to change, yet only one wants to fight. The years are passing and the distance increases yet the silence continues…

The mark on the calendar indicates an anniversary of the death of that person you struggle to forget daily. Your heart still torn and the memories vivid as you wish you could see them one last time.

The ‘grief list’ is endless…

I come home from my run and start to clean bathroom sinks. I ask myself “What will overcome the heaviness of my heart?”  The answer is instant and not expected. I hear Him whisper “Eucharisteo.” I spray the mirrors and wipe the grime. To give thanks I say out allowed. I’ve learnt this word by Ann Voskamp in her book One Thousand Gifts. She writes on page 33

“As long as thanks is possible, than joy is always possible. Joy is always possible.” Whenever meaning,- now; wherever meaning here. The joy wonder could- be -here! Here, in the messy, piercing ache of now, joy might be-unbelievably-possible.”

I feel the challenge rise within. It now comes down to choice. Do I kill joy or allow it to live and bubble within? Here and now I can marinate in Thanksgiving. I break the barrier by voicing gratefulness…one by one the tongue shapes praise and gratitude. The wise whisper that came from my Heavenly Father stands to be true-Eucharisteo is the beginning of change.

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3 thoughts on “My Next Step…

  1. “I have yesterdays which threatened to block all light
    Today yields a clouded sky
    And tomorrow…it’s unknown.
    Still, in the inner chambers of my soul…
    You are…
    and I am, in a mysterious, beautiful way, at peace.”
    –Juanita (Jan. 20, 2003)
    Dear new friend, Hannah…
    May His presence be your strength through sunshine and shadow.
    Juanita

  2. You captured my heart in this writing. Reminding me it is okay to feel and hurt and love all in their seasons.
    Thank you
    Allison

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