Goodbye…

(Warning: This is about my miscarriage…please don’t read if it will hurt you. I feel as women we face the same issues yet live in silence…maybe you can relate)

I wake hoping this morning greets me with less grief…it doesn’t.

It was a cold Fall afternoon in late October when the Pastor I call Husband came home early. He brushed me with a kiss and wished my ultra sound all the best. We both clung to the words that acted as hope in that moment. I had previously felt the baby start to drain from my body…slowly… yet I didn’t want to believe it. That Thursday I found myself in a quiet intimate moment with the Creator as I bent my knees on the hard wooden floor in desperation as I sought Him. Tears fell as I petitioned over and over for the life that lay within.

I sat in a cubicle waiting to be asked to enter the dark room. It matched with my emotions. I could feel my heart beating loudly and quickly. I looked at my hands that shook and I started to fight back the tears. The Doppler was placed on my stomach. I could hear myself muttering prayers…seeking…pleading…begging. There was silence…

The world continued but I stopped. I found myself with a bleeding heart filled with excruciating pain. I had dreams for the little life that I yearned so deeply for. It had become a loved family member that we all rejoiced in. Each morning my oldest with hair of brown and eyes of blue would excitedly place a prenatal vitamin in my mouth as she “wanted to feed the baby.”Joy surrounded us as we talked about the coming of her new sibling. Instead I found myself weeping as I looked into her confused eyes, explaining in a childlike way that her baby had gotten sick and died. That he wasn’t strong like her.

The days are slow and I find myself filled with a gamut of emotion. I self talk perspective, to be grateful that I have children, that the pregnancy was early. Yet I dissolve as my words become messed up and mixed with liquid salt. Sobbing for what could have been…

I open the Word where I get my sustenance and soul food. He gives me passages of comfort. Part of me angry and part of me grateful. I speak quietly “Be near”  tears cascade burning my cheeks. “Draw near so I can draw near to you. Wrap your peace and love around me as I weep.” Then I hear myself… it’s barely audible “Be exalted.”

The essence of true beauty is seen in the moment of weakness. A woman in complete surrender lifting the name of Jesus in hardship. Its through His strength only, that I can do it. My arms slowly rise, lifting high as I opens my hands abandoning all to praise. I gently sings “Hallelujah”…A chorus that most people sing when all is well. Yet I have to do it in the storm. I know what is lost will not be brought back, but the peace of God will. My heart is beaten & bruised yet with an intense ache I worship. The deepening of faith hurts, it comes with growing pains. It’s in these moments of no understanding and suffering He is felt in a different way. He cups me in His hands to protect the fragility of my spirit. The time of being hidden in a cold winter brings an undeniable growth that refines and teaches valuable lessons. I can feel myself being stripped to the core, molded and  reshaped. I allow my grief to develop me into His likeness…

Does the act of worship in these times mean that the pain in numbed? No. I wince at the thought of tomorrow when  I’m left unconscious in an operating theater for Doctors to scrape away my dreams that is encompassed in a sac. That they see me a ‘straight forward procedure’ not a mother who is hurting and longing for the situation to be different. But its during these times of hardship that I allow grief to cascade and accept that my Maker gives and takes away.

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9 thoughts on “Goodbye…

  1. I don’t quite know how to reply to a message like this but I do want to thankyou for sharing. You see, there are too many common sufferings in this world suffered in silence…alone

  2. Oh Hannah I’m so sorry. What an awful torturous experience. I wish things were different for you. Thanks for sharing… Thinking of you guys. Xx

  3. Hannah–I am speechless… this is heartbreaking and beautiful all at the same time. It’s not just the physical loss, but the loss of the dream–letting go of our wants and wishes and surrendering and sacrificing ourselves to God’s will and plan for us–without explanation or apparent logic–overwhelmed and wondering how times like these fit into “all things working together for good..”–but remembering “his ways are not our ways..” and we need not understand but trust and know ” his mercies are new every morning”–so thank you for sharing your life during such a difficult time–and may God restore you and bless you.

    Eis inspiring

  4. Dear Hannah,
    I’m truly sorry for your loss.
    The only comfort I can give you is the ache in your heart will ease as each day goes by. Your in my prayers.
    lots of love
    Ann

  5. Hannah– I am blown away!!–your words are heartbreaking and beautiful all at the same time. Thank you for sharing your heart. It’s so true it’s not just the physical loss –its the loss of hope, and not the wishful kind but the hope with expectation–it’s the loss of what could have been, what we wanted so bad that has been taken away with no apparent reason or logic–it’s hard to imagine in times like these how “all things work together for good”–but then we remember “his ways are not our ways”–and we are not always supposed to understand but trust, surrender and sacrifice ourselves to his will and plan for our lives. He never leaves us, he grieves with us, comforts us–restores us, sets our feet on the rock and gives us the strength to go on and try again. Thinking of you and praying for your healing physically and emotionally–sending big hugs your way –thanks again for sharing 🙂

  6. Sis-in-christ, I know how it feels like, I lost 3 before even now after 20years, as I am writing I am holding back tears. I know they r growing up in heaven that is more than even comfort for me. Jesus loves them more than me. I will meet them one day in heaven as do u. Be Bless Hannah, all is well with our Souls!

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